


Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

by FrankWantsTheGee



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Asshole!Gerard, Basement Gerard Way, Catholic Frank Iero, Catholic Guilt, Catholic!Frank, Depressed!gerard, Depression, Drug Use, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Frerard, M/M, Mental Instability, Nightmares, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Religious Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-19
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-04-15 13:03:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4607796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrankWantsTheGee/pseuds/FrankWantsTheGee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in life, everyone is someone's devil.<br/>it looks like gerard just so happens to be frank's.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. all i want is nothing.

Gerard Way was sick. Not the kind of sick that comes with a cough and a runny nose, but the kind of sick that wasn't really sick at all, depending on who you ask. Gerard Way wasn't sick according to Donald Way. He was simply a lazy, selfish, 22 year old who did nothing all day. What Donald didn't understand was that Gerard was trying. He was trying to get better, and goddammit why wasn't that enough? Donna Way was more sympathetic to her son. She knew he was trying, she didn't see him as lazy.

She saw her 22 year old boy going into a downward spiral. He was going downhill and there was no one to stop him. She tried, ever since that first attempt, to get him to get better. The mother of 2 still felt so ashamed that her own son even had to **get** that bad. What an unfit mother she was, not even being able to notice that her baby boy was so fucking depressed that he attempted to end his own life. What Donna didn't realize though, is that she shouldn't feel unfit. It wasn't her fault at all. Ever since Helena's death, Gerard had pushed his mother further and further away. He had also sunken further and further away it seemed. 

Since Gerard didn't seem to want to talk to his worried mother, she tried to get Mikey to speak to him. Mikey was impatient though, so maybe Donna should've suspected that something bad would happen, but she simply didn't know what else to do. She was trying. Gerard was trying. They were both trying. Sometimes trying isn't enough though. You can try and try all you want and never get anywhere. It wasn't fair, sure, but was anything fair really? No. Life wasn't fair and that saying seemed worked particularly good for Gerard Way's life.

It wasn't fair that he had lost his ailing grandmother when he needed her most. It wasn't fair that he didn't know how to cope, so he had to use vodka and cigarettes to feel something, anything other than the damn sadness that consumed him. It ate at him, he had no escape other than the booze or the pills. Maybe popping Xanax like it was candy and drinking till he saw stars and threw up that turkey sandwich he ate 4 hours ago wasn't the best way to cope, but it was the only way he knew how.  
He already cried, God knows he cried. His tears could've filled a river by now, hell, they could've cured that drought in California. But tears are just that. Tears. Sure he still cried, just not as much now. Nowadays he only cried when he needed to cry, like on the nights when everything felt like it was closing in and he can't breathe and there is no escape because he's already drank all the shitty beer he has and he just took his last Xanax and he knows he's a failure, he fucking **KNOWS** , but it seems the world just keeps reminding him. 

Those are the nights when he cries. Because on those nights, he feels like how he felt during his first attempt. He doesn't really remember much from that night, he just remembers how he felt. That familiar sense of failure and having no hope, that's the feeling he gets on certain nights and that's the only nights he allows himself to cry. Tonight was one of those nights.

Donna could hear her sons stereo in the basement from all the way upstairs in the kitchen. She wasn't going to yell at Gerard to turn it down though, because she knew that he only ever turned it up that loud when he was crying.

"Mikey! Come downstairs for a minute Hun, I need to talk to you!" She yelled up the stairs. The sound of her sons loud steps quickly filled her ears.

"What do you want Ma? I'm playing Xbox an-" Mikey stopped mid sentence, suddenly hearing Gerard's stereo and understanding why Donna called him down.  
"Oh no, no no no, I can't go down there with him." He sighed frustrated already, "Ma, please don't make me try to cheer him up! You know he just gets pissed off and drinks even more if anyone tries to help his lazy ass."

Donna gasped, "Mikey, you know he's getting bad again. I can't go down there with him! He won't talk to me! Please, just try to do something, anything!"  
At this point she had tears prickling her eyes. It hurt that her baby boy has isolated himself. She wanted to be the one to go comfort her son when he cried, but he pushed her away. It was clear at this point that he didn't want her comforting him.

"Fine, I'll try to get him to take a fucking shower and then maybe we can go to the coffee shop. Hell, maybe he can find a new boyfriend to beat him!"  
Mikey knew that last part wasn't really necessary, but damn, Gerard knew better then that. He knew better than to hang around with fucking junkies like that. A depressed alcoholic plus a fucked up cokehead was not a good mix. Yeah he felt bad that his brother had to go through that, but he should've expected that _something_ would happen when he first got involved with a guy like that. 

"Mikey how dare you say something like that! What happened to Gerard was not his fault. If I **ever** hear you say something like that again, I swear to God.."  
It infuriated Donna that her son would even _think_ of something like that. 

The younger Way brother didn't want to start an argument with his mom. He huffed, before turning and disappearing down the basement steps. This whole "Get Gerard to socialize plan" wasn't going to work. Mikey felt himself getting irritated just thinking about it. His brother wasn't getting better because he didn't want to get better. It was so much easier to just sit and play the sad little victim, but Gerard was just going to have to fucking man up and move on with his life. He acted like he was the only one who was affected by Helena's death. He was selfish and wanted attention and it pissed Mikey off to no end. Sometimes bad things happen. You can't just cry all the time, that accomplishes nothing. He groaned in annoyance when he reached the bottom of the stairs. The door was thin, which helped when listening for any sounds of crying. He definitely did not want to walk in and see his older brother sobbing into his pillow for no fucking reason. AGAIN.


	2. fat and alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is a Pencey Prep song yo. Also, trigger warning. This chapter has descriptions of straight up rape :((

Mikey thanked whatever God up there that Gerard wasn't crying when he entered his room. He was instead laying on his bed, all wrapped up in blankets like a Gerard burrito. Mikey first turned off the stereo, because shit, how had his brother not gone deaf by now? He tapped on his brothers head, considering it was the only part of him not wrapped up by the blanket.

Gerard groaned when he felt Mikey's insistent tapping on his head. "Go away _Michael_." Why couldn't he just be left alone? Why must the world be so cruel to poor Gerard way? 

"Ew. Are you drunk? You smell like shit, _Gerard_."

"I had a few beers, but I'm not _drunk_ drunk yet." Gerard replied as he watched Mikey twiddle a thread in between his fingers. He tried focusing on the way his hands moved, but everything was a little fuzzy. Fuck, how many beers did he drink? He only remembered drinking a few...

"Whatever. It's time to get up sleeping beauty! And go take a shower. Mom wants me to make you drive me to Starbucks."

Gerard was conflicted. For one, he wasn't sure if he _should_ be driving. He also didn't know if he wanted to go. Like, coffee, yes. But getting up? Taking a shower? _Socializing?_ No. He felt like shit and did not want to go out in public. He lay in deep thought, but before he could make up his mind he felt his blanket being pulled off of him.

"Gee, come one. Get the fuck up." Mikey was getting annoyed at this point.

The air in the bedroom felt like ice on Gerard's skin. He let out a squeal when Mikey ripped the blanket off completely. 

"Fine! Get out, fuckin asshole." Mikey laughed at his brothers anger and quickly escaped the room.

Gerard let out a sigh, and shakily got to his feet. The room was spinning, making it difficult for him to walk. He stumbled his way into the bathroom, where the air was even colder against his pale exposed skin. As he turned on the shower, he stripped off his t-shirt and shorts as quickly as possible. He _hated_ this part, the part before he can get in the shower and has to look at himself in the mirror. Fat. Stretchmarks. Pale. Ugly. That's all he saw when he looked in the mirror. It didn't matter how much weight he lost, he would always think of himself as the fat 15 year old he was 7 years ago. 15 or 22, it didn't matter, he felt that he looked the same. Stepping a little closer to the mirror, he tried to examine his hair. It was hard to do in his state. He noticed his brown roots were just barely starting to grow in, contrasting with the dark shade of black the rest of his hair was.

The room was quickly filling up with steam, which alerted Gerard that the water was warm enough now. He walked the few shaky steps into the shower and jumped in. It wasn't that he didn't like showering, he just didn't see the point to it. He wasn't trying to impress anyone. He was just sitting at home, why should he be clean and smelling good? What was the point of trying to look good? For himself? Psh. 

He quickly washed his hair, making sure to not get the soapy foam into his eyes like last time. After he grabbed the body wash, he took a quick sniff and froze. He recognized that smell. Almost immediately, he began shaking. Where did this soap come from? It wasn't here last time... Who bought it? Was it a trap? Someone set him up! But why?

"Calm down Gerard. It's body wash, quit being such a pussy." He whispered to himself, knowing it would do nothing, but he figured he could at least try.

With shaking hands, he squirted out the lemon smelling soap. Just looking at the substance in his hands made him feel sick. Tears prickled at his eyes as he tried to block out the memories.

_Breathe. In, out. In, out. Just focus on breathing._ Gerard thought to himself

He began rubbing the soap on his stomach, but it wasn't his hands he was feeling. Oh God. He squeezed his eyes shut, but the tears didn't stop. 

_"Bert?" Gerard called out_

_"Come in here baby!"_

_His lovers voice was coming from the bathroom. Gerard heard the shower running as he got closer the bathroom. Without knocking, he opened the door._

_"Mm, been thinkin' bout you all day baby. Wanna blow you, taste your sweet cock." Bert's voice sounded from the shower._

_Gerard moaned when he heard the lust in his boyfriends voice. He was worried that Bert would still be mad about the other night... He felt bad that he chickened out, but he'd never bottomed before. The thought of it terrified him. He dismissed the worried thoughts as he began stripping off his clothes._

_The water was warm against his skin, almost as warm as his sweet lovers hands. Gerard let out a sigh as he felt Bert's hands run down his stomach._

_"Gonna make you feel real good, sexy." Bert whispered into Gerard's ear. He peppered kisses down his pale skin._

_Gerard smelled the lemon scented soap that Bert was rubbing down his thighs. His hand was inching closer to Gerard's hole._

_"Bert, I don-"_

_"Shhh. Don't worry sweetheart, I'm gonna make you feel real good."_

_Gerard gulped when Bert's finger began toying with his hole. Without a word of warning, he stuck his finger in. Using soap as lube made it burn worse. Gerard let out a small scream at the painful intrusion._

_"Bert stop! It hurts! I already told you I don't want to do this! I, I'm not ready!" Gerard choked out in between tears._

_He let out another shriek when another finger got added. It didn't matter that water and soap were acting as the lubricants, it still fucking hurt. He tried squirming away, but Bert shoved him backwards against the shower wall. The man shoved his lips onto Gerard's, completely ignoring his whines and tears._

_It didn't take long for Bert to decide that Gerard had enough prep. He quickly poured some soap onto his hands and rubbed it onto his hard dick. He pressed his lips against Gerard's again, forcing him to open his mouth and let his tongue in. When he had his sweet lover distracted, he shoved his dick into his tight little hole. The scream that Gerard let out instantly made him harder._

_"Bert! Please! It hurts, stop!" Gerard was bawling at this point._

_As Bert shoved the rest of his length inside, the burn intensified by about 10x. He had never felt anything like this. Even getting his stomach pumped after he attempted suicide didn't hurt this bad. Now that Bert was all the way in, he pulled almost all the way back out, before slamming himself in again. Another scream._

_"Stop! Please just stop!" He attempted to push this man off of him, but to no avail. Gerard didn't have enough strength to push Bert off of him._

_He tried to block out the panting and various moans and groans that his boyfriend was making. He didn't understand how he could be feeling pleasure, when Gerard was literally DYING in front of him._

_"Babe, I'm close babe. Fuuuck, you're so tight. So good baby, so good." Bert panted out_

_Gerard could do nothing but shake and cry, as his boyfriend, his lover, raped him. The pain was too much, it was all too much. He was terrified and felt like he might pass out. Why was his boyfriend doing this? As revenge for last night? Gerard was sorry, he was so sorry. He would do anything, he just wanted the pain to stop._

_"Shit, I'm coming."_

_He felt the liquid inside him and let out a loud whimper. When Bert pulled out, he saw blood. There was blood. He was bleeding._

_"Blo-, blood. I-, I'm bleeding!" Gerard screamed_

_"Hm? Don't worry about that, most people bleed their first time. Totally normal." Bert tried to give him a kiss on the cheek, which he squirmed away from. He turned off the shower and began to towel himself off, leaving Gerard shaking in the shower._

_Gerard sank to his knees and cried. That's all he could do. Even though Bert wasn't still in him, he could still feel it. The burn, God. It was too painful._

_He didn't know how long he sat on the shower floor, just crying. When he finally looked up, Bert wasn't in the bathroom anymore. On shaking legs, he stood up. Crimson lines of blood trailed down his pale thighs. He turned on the shower and scrubbed at his legs. As much scrubbing as he did, it didn't help. He felt stained, he could still see the blood that was there. It left stains on his pure, pale white legs. Maybe not physical stains, but he could still see it. See the red blood dribble down his legs. He felt stained all over. This wouldn't wash off. It couldn't be scrubbed off, no, this was going to be a part of him forever._

_After he scrubbed his legs free of any visible blood, he shut off the water and put his clothes back on. There was no time to dry off. He had to get out of there..._

Gerard didn't know how long he stood in the shower, too lost in his mind to think about time. When he finally came to, he had tears running down his cheeks and his whole body was trembling. Burning, he felt the burning again. He moaned out in agony as he collapsed to the floor of the shower. 

This was torture, he would rather be _dead_ then have to put up with his mind anymore.


	3. don't you fear, they'll never hurt you darling.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> meet frank. and frank's dad. also, i'm not catholic and found this prayer online so don't hate me if it's wrong or something.

It was Saturday afternoon and what was Frank doing? Hiding. He should be out playing with friends, perhaps out with a girl. Sadly, this was not the case. Frank's dad had been on a rampage this morning, cursing Frank out for catching him in the act of "sinning". His dad had walked in the bathroom when Frank was in the shower, which wasn't really a big deal, as it happened quite frequently. Frank had been in the act of washing his body however, and just so happened to be washing his lower region when his Father walked in. Which of course lead to Frank, "going to hell for sinning". He hadn't even done anything! Frank didn't like to _sin_ , as he always felt guilty after.  _ **Always.**_ That's what he told his dad, but he didn't believe him. Frank didn't understand why, he never lied to his dad or anyone else. Lying was a sin and sinners burn in Hell for all of eternity. Frank was a good catholic boy, who tried his hardest not to sin. He didn't even eat poor helpless little animals! That should count for something!

"Frank! Confess your sins, son, or you will go to Hell!" Frank heard his fathers voice shout from downstairs.

He didn't want to confess to something he didn't do, because that would be lying! But he knew if he didn't do something, soon enough his dad would come to his room and make him repent. Frank _hated_ that. With a heavy sigh, he got up off of the dusty ground he had been sitting on. Inching closer to the door, he could hear his fathers shouts and prayers.

"Dad?" He called out nervously.

His fathers voice stopped abruptly. His painfully slow footsteps could be heard walking up the stairs. With each creak of the old floorboards, Frank grew more and more nervous. He hoped that confessing and praying for forgiveness would be enough. By the time his Father reached him, Frank was a shaking, sweating mess. His Father laid a stern hand on his shoulder, causing Frank to let out a shrill sound of surprise.

"You better pray for forgiveness son, and you better pray good. Just a simple prayer will not forgive you of your sins. I want you to recite a prayer to Our Lady of Perpetual Help." His father spoke through gritted teeth.

Frank nodded and fell to his knees. "Behold, Oh Mother of Perpetual Help, at thy feet is a wretched sinner, who has recourse to thee and trusts in thee." Frank paused here, trying to remember what came next.

He let out a loud yelp when his Father smacked his head. "How dare you stop right in the middle of a prayer! Continue **NOW** Frank."

With a shaky voice, Frank continued. "Oh Mother of mercy, have pity on me; I hear all men call thee the refuge and hope of sinners. Be therefore my refuge and my hope. Help me for the love of Jesus Christ: hold out thy hand to a fallen wretch, who commands himself to yo-"

Another smack.

"Who commands himself to thee, not you." His father spat out with disgust.

"Who commands himself to **_thee_** and dedicates to be thy servant forever. I praise and thank God, who of His great mercy has given me this confidence in thee, a sure pledge of my eternal salvation. Alas, it is only too true that in the past," Frank paused to take a breath, as it was becoming more difficult for him to recite the prayer while trying to hold back tears.

_Smack._

The first tear fell because of how hard Frank had been hit. It really hurt!

He continued his prayer, with tears clogging his voice. "That in the past I have fallen miserably," _Sniffle._ "because I did not come to thee. I know that with thy help, I shall conquer. I know that thou will," _Sniffle._ "help me, if I command myself to thee; but I am fearful that in the occasion of sin I shall forget to call upon thee and so I shall be lost." _Sniffle._ "This grace, then," _Sniffle._

This time when Frank got smacked, it wasn't on the back of the head. His father grabbed his cheek, still wet with tears, and slapped him in the face."Stop sniffling boy! It is a disgrace to God."

Frank grabbed his stinging face, before bowing down and closing his eyes to continue the prayer. It felt like it was never ending. "Then, do I ask of thee; for this I implore thee, as much as I can and know how to do. Namely, that in the assaults of Hell, I may ever run to thy protection and may say to thee: Mary, help me; Mother of Perpetual Help, permit me not to lose my God. Hail Mary." Frank finished shakily, wiping his nose off on the sleeve of his shirt.

"Very good. That wasn't so bad now, was it?" His father patted Frank's head. "Now, go get yourself cleaned up. I have errands to run and you have to come with me. I don't trust you in this house alone."

Frank got up on shaky legs, and stumbled back to his room. He loved God and he loved Jesus with all his heart, but he really didn't love having to recite those long prayers, especially when he didn't even do anything wrong. His dad meant well, he truly did. Frank knew it in his heart. Shaking bad thoughts from his mind, he looked at himself in the mirror. The half of his face that got slapped was still a pale pink color, contrasting with his tanned Italian skin. It was noticeable, but would fade by the time they got to the grocery store. Unfortunately, his eyes were still red and puffy. Ew. Nothing he could do about that, though. He walked to his desk and grabbed a tissue, as his was nose was still running from his crying earlier. 16 and a half years old and Frank still cried so easily. It was something that couldn't be helped, he was just sensitive! A loud knock on the door startled Frank from his depressing _oh poor me_ thoughts.

"Let's go, Frankie!"

Frank walked to his door, making sure to grab his wallet along the way. He followed his dad through the hallway, down the stairs, out the front door, and to the car.

**********

"Gerard let's _g-o_." Mikey whined to his brother from outside the bathroom door. Gerard had been in there for like a half hour, which is insane for Gerard. What was he even doing in there? Rinse lather and repeat? Painting his nails? Using his mom's makeup? Probably all 3. The last 2 had actually happened before, and holy _shit_ it was funny. Imagine bringing a girl to your house. You and her were getting along really good, and she even blew you last week at the movies. So like, she was basically, _the one_. And you bring her home to meet your family, totally to not try and bang her in your room. But whenever you get to your room, where you may or may not bang said girl, your brother is standing there doing his makeup. In heels. In a dress. With a wig. Oh God, the torture. Needless to say, she was not the one, because she broke up with Mikey the next day. She said something about how, "Things just don't seem like they'll work." and, "Your brother is fucking weird. And he's an ugly girl.". Which was true, but Gerard was his brother and even though he was one creepy motherfucker, he was still Mikey's favorite person. He was the only one that was able to say that stuff about Gee. Even if he made an ugly girl. So it was probably for the best that Mikey and the girl had broke up, because he didn't even think that the blowjob was _that_ great anyways. And her fingernails were really long and he was scared she would end up, like, accidentally scratching his dick off or something. Which, I mean, ow. Would his dick need stitches? What if she accidentally sliced off a ball? Mikey would never get another girl if she had sliced off his ball(s). His thoughts of dick stitches and ball slicing were interrupted when his older brother _finally_ got out of the bathroom.

"Remember that girl, Ramona? The one I brought home that time when you were crossdressing or whatever?" Mikey asked

"Um, yeah?"

"It's okay that she broke up with me. Her nails were really long. I feel like she would've sliced off one of my balls accidenta-"

Gerard made fake gagging noises. "Okay ew. I don't want to hear how my brother almost got his balls sliced off during a handjob."

Mikey shrugged. "Suit yourself. It was a really interesting story though." He started cleaning his glasses. "So, what took so long in there?" He asked nonchalantly.

Gerard visibly froze up at the question. Shit, that means Mikey should not have asked that. Gee had been busy being all emo or some shit like that. He looked up at his older brother, seeing the nervousness on his face.

"Nevermind, just don't make me wait on you next time. Starbucks might run out of coffee, so let's go." Mikey even added a smile at the end, which is something he only did for Gerard. No one else ever got to see the famous Mikeyway smile. Except, like, God.

Gerard grinned, putting all his weird baby teeth on display. He gave the younger Way a slobbery kiss on the cheek. Speaking in a high pitched voice, he said, "Oh Mikey, how sweet of you to _smile_!", before fluttering his eyelashes. This earned a chuckle from Mikey. Score.

Together they walked to the car, both trying to do their best impression of Mikey's ex, the one with sword fingernails. By the time Gerard had parked at the coffee shop sent from heaven, he had basically forgot about the whole shower incident. He knew he would think about it later, when he was alone. But for now, he wanted to just forget about it. He liked getting to spend time with his little brother. Mikey didn't judge him like everyone else in the world. Mikey knew his brother was weird and he accepted it. So Gerard could just be himself around him.

When they walked into the Starbuck's, Mikey grabbed Gerard's arm and started shaking it.

"Oh my Gosh, there's that kid from my school. The weird one that I told you about." He whispered, pointing over at a table.

Sitting by himself, was a small teenage boy. He looked about 15, maybe. He had soft features, nice arched eyebrows, and long eyelashes. There was no denying it, the boy was pretty. Jailbait pretty. He seemed pretty immersed in his cup of coffee, shutting his eyes and taking long sips of it. Gerard hadn't realized he had been staring for too long, when the boy made eye contact with him. His eyes opened wide, and a faint pink color settled onto his cheeks. He was cute. Gerard gave him a small smile, but the boy ducked his head down in reply.

"The fuck was that?" Mikey whisper yelled

"What?" Gerard innocently asked

"You were just having eye sex with a 16 year old, stone cold _,_ catholic boy. Catholic, Gerard, _Catholic_! Like, _really_ catholic. Like, memorize all the prayers, Hail Mary, hate gays Catholic. Lik-"

"Shut up! He can probably hear you, Mikey! And I was not having _eye sex_ with him, for Christ's sake!" Gerard angrily interrupted his brother.

Mikey shrugged. "Whatever you say, Gee. Just remember, he's like the ultimate Catholic. And he's weird. He has like no friends an-"

"Neither do I." Gerard quietly said.

His younger brother gave him a sad look. "Yes you do. Okay fine, he's alright I guess. He's just weird. His mom ran off when he was like 10 or something and I think his dad beats him. You can feel bad for him and have public eye sex all that you want, but he isn't someone you need to get involved with, Gerard." Mikey spoke with a stern voice.

Before Gerard could fire back a reply, it was his turn to order. He gave Mikey a look that said _this-discussion-is-not-over-and-I-don't-have-eye-sex_. At least that's what he hoped Mikey had got from it. But usually he was pretty good at reading Gerard's looks. So he probably understood what it meant. After Mikey and Gerard had received their drinks, Gerard made a beeline for the table that jailbait pretty was sitting at. He didn't know what his name was, so for the time being, his name would just have to be jailbait pretty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh, im sorry I forgot about this story. im going to try and update at least once a week, comments are appreciated.


	4. everyone is someone's devil.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~~~~~emo vibes~~~~~~

Frank saw his classmate, Mikey, and the guy with Mikey coming closer to him. Why were they coming over here? Frank wasn't trying to stare at Mikey's friend, it's not his fault that they made eye contact! He looked intimidating, Frank didn't want to get made fun of! Before he was able to get up, Mikey sat across from him, with the intimidating friend grabbing a spot beside the younger Way. No! This wasn't right, people didn't come up to Frank unless he did something wrong. What did he do wrong? He was sorry!

"Woah, Frank, calm down. You look fuckin terrified man. We just wanted to say hi. This is my older brother, Gerard." Mikey spoke quietly. He sounded annoyed, Frank didn't mean to annoy him!

Mikey's brother, Gerard, gave a small wave to Frank.

"Hi Frankie." He spoke.

Frankie? No one called him that except for his dad. It felt strange hearing this... odd man say it. His voice was gravelly and nasally. Frank wasn't sure if he liked it or not. Mikey's voice wasn't much better, but at least it wasn't so scary sounding!

"Um. H-hi."' Frank kept his head bowed as he nervously stuttered.

Gerard was probably judging him right now. And Mikey too. Why couldn't they have just left him alone? When he looked up at the two Way brothers, they were whispering something to each other. Sensing Frank's eyes on them, they both quickly turned to look at Frank. What had they been whispering about? Could they see how much of a mess he was? This was so embarrassing!

Gerard watched the younger boy nervously glance between himself and Mikey. He looked like a scared puppy. His big hazel eyes seemed to suck Gerard right in. Frankie had nice eyes. Soft eyes. Pretty eyes. So innocent looking...

"Frank, don't mind Gerard. He's being weird right now." Mikey slowly spoke, after he had enough of Gerard staring at Frank. It was a little creepy.

Frank didn't say anything. He just looked at Mikey as he spoke, watching him intently. Those eyes... Frank looked like he was about to burst into tears. Shit, is this kid 9 years old? What the hell. Mikey was becoming increasingly impatient with Frank's behavior. It was pissing him off that he was acting so scared. Nothing even happened, yet he's acting like a little bitch for no damn reason.

"No, it's alright. Wh-what are you guys doing here?" Frank nervously questioned.

Gerard frowned. He hadn't been paying much attention to the words Mikey had spoke, until he heard his name being mentioned. He wasn't being weird! It wasn't his fault he was staring. Frank reminded him of himself, before the bad stuff had happened. Back when Gerard was innocent. Now, he felt so...unpure. So dirty. It wasn't even his own fault! Not everything at least. Sure, he might have got himself into bad situations, but he didn't mean to!

"We wanted coffee?" Gerard grinned, showing all his small teeth.

Mikey chucked at his brothers semi sarcastic reply. Frank was kind of a dumbass for asking that. What the fuck else would they be doing there?

"Oh, uh, yeah. Me too. Dad, he, um, he went shopping? And he told me I could get coffee." Frank said, staring at his cup the whole time.

"It's just you and your dad right? Your mom like left or whatever?" Mikey slowly asked.

"Um, yeah. She did. I was only like ten wh-when it happened. She took off so, um, now it's just me a- and dad." Frank nervously spat out.

Gerard felt bad. Poor little Frankie was already so nervous. Mikey didn't need to ask that. He glanced over at his little brother, only to find him smirking at Frank. God, Mikey was such a douche sometimes. Before Mikey could say anything to hurt the other boy's feelings, Gerard spoke.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Do you and your dad get along well?" Gerard made sure he sounded concerned. He was concerned! He just wasn't too concerned about what Frank had said. He was busier concerning himself with how those pretty little lips would look stretched out around his cock.

"It's okay. Me and dad get along most of the time..." Frank quietly spoke. He didn't like talking about his dad. It scared him. He was worried he would say the wrong thing and his dad would hear him. His dad could always hear him. It was the truth! Dad even told him so.

An awkward silence ensued. Mikey had just about enough. Frank was weird, maybe it's because his mom left and his dad is crazy Catholic, but Mikey couldn't fix any of that. And neither could his depressed, totally not Catholic, _pervert_ , older brother. He didn't like talking to Frank. It made him feel weird, and it made him feel bad. Ugh, Mikey really didn't want to feel sympathetic today. He preferred to save that emotion for when he really needed it. Yet here he was, wasting all his sympathy on _Frank_ of all people. Disgusting. 

Frank suddenly glanced up towards the door, seeing his father grow near. Oh no! He really didn't want dad to come see him with Gerard and Mikey. Dad didn't like people like the Way's. He wished that things could be different, though. Maybe he would have friends if dad wouldn't act how he does. Gerard is a little scary, but so is Mikey, in a way. At least Gerard is being nice though! Most people aren't very nice to Frank. They get tired of him being nervous, or caring so much about his religion. That's just the way he was raised, he couldn't imagine not caring about being Catholic! Oh how wonderful that must be, to live a carefree, sinful life. It would certainly be less stressful than his own life. But God didn't want that for him. He just wanted what's best for Frank, that's why he had to try so hard not to sin.

"Dad is coming to get me, I have to go now. Um, bye Mikey. Bye Ger-Gerard. It was nice to meet you." Frank gave a small smile as he quickly scurried out of the coffee shop.

Mikey blinked, staring at the spot that was formerly known as Frank's seat. That was weird. He decided that he should never choose to interact with Frank again. At least not Gerard was with him. It made him uncomfortable, as the two just didn't mix. Frank was too nervous, too fragile. He was like glass, so easily broken. Gerard wasn't careful, he was clumsy and always ended up shattering glass. The poor kid didn't need anymore shit to go through.


	5. oh heaven knows we'll soon be dust.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> not that anyone cares, but i'm sorry i suck at updating regularly. writing is kind of an escape for me because i can change my mindset and get lost in another world, and lately things have been good so i've not felt like doing that, but tonight everything is just too much and i don't want to think so that's why i am updating. :-)

_"It's just so fucking wild, look how pretty the sky is. There's so much out there, man. We all come from the sky you know? A-and we're filled with stardust and chaos and so much more. All of us are, it's not just you and me. And like, soulmates? They come from the same star whi-"_

_"Gerard, what are you talking about? We didn't come from the stars. God created all of us." Before Gerard could protest, Frank continued. "And I know you think that's not true, but I know it's true. I have so much faith in it. I can't even explain it." He looked at the stars as he spoke._

_Gerard sighed. "Frank, I know you believe in God and all that shit, but have you ever thought that God didn't believe in you?" He moved closer to Frank as he spoke._

_"U-um. No. Wait. What do you mean? Of course God believes in us..." Frank started to get worried. Gerard wasn't himself right now. Maybe Frank shouldn't have let him drink so much beer. He backed up as the older boy approached him._

_"Who says that God even believes in us? I mean, yeah, he might've at first, but humanity has gone to shit. People kill, rape, torture. It happened back then, that's for sure, but have you ever thought God gave up on us? Hell, he probably gave up when Eve ate the apple. Like, the first people and they already manage to fuck things up. I'd give up on us too if I was God." He tried to maintain eye contact with Frank as he spoke, but everything was kinda blurry._

_It was quiet for a minute. Frank didn't really know what to say to that. It wasn't true, was it? God couldn't have gave up on him. If that was true, he would have nothing. His faith is the only constant in his life, the one thing he was sure of. He couldn't let that be taken from him. But, maybe Gerard wasn't wrong. He was shaken from his thoughts when he felt cold fingertips on his arm. Gerard was really close now. He wrapped his arms around Frank._

_"Gerard, what are you doing?" Frank asked with a shaky voice._

_"Hugging you."_

_"I'm n-not gay."_

_Gerard laughed. "Yeah Frankie, I know. Boys hug. This isn't gay, don't worry."_

_Frank could smell the alcohol on Gerard's breath as he softly whispered into his ear. He got goosebumps._

_Pulling back, Gerard moved Frank's hair back. Frank was so pretty. His eyelashes were long and wispy. His lips were pink and plump. Gerard loved the way he could get this sweet little innocent boy to blush so easily. Already, his cheeks were turning the softest shade of red. Frank looked up at him, he could see the uncertainty swimming in his warm hazel eyes, but he knew there was want there too. That's why he felt it was okay for him to bring his hand to his jaw and hold his face as he slowly leaned in for a kiss. He needed to feel Frank's lips, that's all. In the pale moonlight, under all the stars, he just needed to kiss him. And he knew that's what Frank needed too as he kissed back. But only for a moment, but oh what a lovely memory this will make._

_"No, I can't! Gerard, I'll go to Hell. I swear to the Lord above I am not gay. I'm not!" Frank was freaking out. He pushed Gerard away and slumped to his knees. Throwing his hands in his hair, he pulled at his black locks in frustration._

_Gerard was shocked. It wasn't supposed to go like this. Shit, it's just not fair. If there is a God up there, he certainly wouldn't care if someone was gay for fuck's sake. God would just want Frank to be happy, he wouldn't want him to cry and panic like this, just because he likes a boy. The grass was cold and wet against his knees as he kneeled down by the younger boy. He swallowed heavily before he spoke._

_"Frankie, angels would damn themselves for me."_

_With a wet face, Frank looked up at Gerard. He giggled and wiped a tear from Frank's cheek. It was at that moment that Frank had enough. Gerard was everything he wished to become, he was so free. He was tragic and had so many issues, but there was something so beautiful about his misery. He knew Gee was drunk and probably wouldn't remember this in the morning, but that's okay, because maybe that meant that Frank could just have a taste of another boy, then have the opportunity to pray about it and he wouldn't feel committed or anything, since Gerard wouldn't even remember it in the first place._

_With that thought in mind, he was the one to lean up and kiss him this time. And oh how wonderful it felt. Gerard kissed back with such a passion, like he needed Frank's lips as if they were keeping him alive. Gerard pushed Frank back in the grass, allowing himself to get on top of him, intensifying the kiss. Already, Frank was hard. He involuntary started to grind against Gerard's thigh._

_Gerard chuckled in his head as he felt how hard Frank was already. That was what he loved about boys like him, everything is so fresh and new. They're so easily excitable. He broke the kiss as he began trailing kisses down the other boys neck. Frank's breath hitched as Gerard continued to make his way lower. When he reached the collar of his shirt, he moved back so Frank could pull it off of himself. Once that barrier was gone, Gerard could openly feel the warm, tanned skin beneath him. Frank's stomach was soft, he was toned, but not too muscular or anything. Keeping his eyes trained on Frank the whole time, Gerard peppered kisses down his chest, all the way down to his belt. Frank was breathing heavily above him, staring with lust filled eyes. He had a different look than the one he had earlier, this one was much more sultry, yet still so strikingly innocent.  
_

_"Oh Frankie, you wouldn't mind if I happened to give you head, would you?" Gerard smirked up, asking with a sly, sugary sweet tone._

_"N-no. I wouldn't mind. Please." Frank breathed out, moaning heavily as Gerard started palming him through his jeans._

_"Are you sure? I wouldn't want to do anything you don't want to do, but if it's alright with you, I'm totally down to suck your cock."_

_This was the hottest moment of Frank's life. As soon as those words were spoken, he embarrassingly whimpered. He wanted this so bad, even though he knew he would regret it later. For now, he just needed Gerard to make him feel good._

_Gerard hastily worked to unbuckle Frank's belt, pulling down his jeans in the process. Fuck, he was excited for this. He hoped Frank would make noise, he wanted to make his boy purr and moan. He looked at Frank, watching his reaction as he began to pull down his boxers, slowly, oh so slowly._

Frank awoke with a start, hearing his stupid phone ringing. Flipping over, he looked to see who was rudely interrupting his terrible dream. _Mom_ flashed up on the screen. He sighed, deciding it would be better to let it go to voicemail. He was ashamed. He had another one of _those_ dreams again. No matter how hard he tried, it seemed that he just couldn't control his own mind! It didn't make any sense. He knew that having urges was perfectly natural, as he was a growing boy. However, reacting on those urges is the sinful part. Does it count as reacting if he's unconscious? It's his body's fault, he didn't ask for this to happen! If he could, he'd have no dreams. In fact, he would much rather dream of nothing at all, as long as it means he doesn't have to put up with _those_ dreams any longer. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy the dreams, as embarrassing as it was to admit it. It's just that he felt tremendously guilty afterwards, even though it may not have been his fault. Frank just hoped that God would understand things, but God's a pretty understanding guy, so he most definitely knows Frank didn't mean to sin. The only part that God wouldn't like is the fact that there was a boy in the dream instead of a girl...

When it first happened, Frank cried and cried and cried. He wasn't gay. No matter what his body seemed to think, he knew in his heart, soul, and mind that he wasn't gay. That was a major sin. The dreams were just that, dreams. He didn't think of boys as cute or anything, not even that older boy that's friends with Mikey. Wait, why would he think of him specifically? Gerard's not cute, and neither is any other boy, because Frank is most certainly not gay! He just didn't get to talk to girls all that much or anything so his mind has trouble thinking of himself and a girl together, that's all.

With another heavy sigh, the dark haired boy quickly began to gather up his blankets and sheets to throw them in the washer. Ew, he needed to shower too. After starting a load of laundry, he groggily made his way to the bathroom. The dream kept echoing in the back of his mind. Most of the time, he would wake up, feel bad, and try his best to forget about it, but this time was different. Maybe because Gerard was in it.

"Shit." Frank whispered to himself. He didn't mean to curse like that, but he was shocked. At first, he didn't register who the dream was about really, but all of the sudden he remembered that it was about _Gerard_. As in, Mikey's brother, the one he met only 3 days ago. Oh God, that's so embarrassing! He's so lucky Gerard didn't have any idea that he dreamed about that, otherwise he would probably hate Frank!

As he stepped into the shower, he tried his hardest to forget about those images, but the more he tried, the more he just remembered them instead of forgetting. Why does this have to happen to him of all people? He just prayed God would forgive him for this sinful behavior.


End file.
